Drunk robbery
by Enide Dear
Summary: Just a short, fun story on why you shouldn't try to rob drunk mutants. Not really any pairing


"Hilfe, hilfe, vat ever should I do?" Kurt said amused and more than a little drunk, hanging like a wet cat from the would-be robber's grip around his waist. "Surely the time has come to meet my maker." He giggled, long skinny arms and legs flopping everywhere and tail wagging amused.

The man who held a harsh grip around him and a rusty, blunt knife pressed against his back, looked around wild-eyed with fear. This armed robbery had not turned out at all as he expected; instead of a easily frightened group of drunk teenagers he found himself faced with three battle-ready mutants, two of whom had sobered up real quickly at the threat. Not to mention that the skinny nerd he thought he grabbed had turned out to be the freakiest – and most drunk – of them all.

The man waved his knife in the air, trying to get the initiative back on his side. Scott did his best to calm the situation down.

"Look, just be reasonable, please. We don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Then give me all your money! Now!" Off-balance by the youngsters lack of concern for the situation, the robber tried to look menacing.

"Dude, Scott wasn't talking to you." Pietro rolled his eyes and smirked, still sipping from the beer that he – of course – had been the one to buy for his friends.

He really shouldn't have been surprised that Kurt was a really lightweight drinker.

Even more upset, the robber poked Kurt in the back with his knife – but to a body used to clinically sharp razors it didn't hurt more than a twig.

"Now," he growled.

"Alright, fine. We'll empty our pockets." Scott tried to get the situation back under control. "I have…two dollars. Pietro?"

"I've got….hey, look at this! A coupon for a free VCR rental! Not bad, huh?" Pietro waved the little paper slip in the air.

"Arch, iz my life worth less than the prize of a milkshake?!" With a sudden flare for drama Kurt threw himself backward, a hand on his forehead, almost knocking his head against the robber's nose and impaling himself on the rusty knife. "Oh, woe is me!"

Pietro chuckled as the robber struggled to keep the blue mutant upright.

"Oh, little 'crawler's gonna have a headache tomorrow, poor kid!"

"Damn it, could you *try* to be serious, Kurt?" Scott was loosing his patience. "I mean, sure, this guy is no Apocalypse…"

"Or Magneto," Pietro added. "Or Psyloch. Or Storm or Angel… I mean, he's not even Toad or Stryker."

"Look, you all start coughing up some real money, or this freak is gonna get it!" The robber screamed to get their attention back. But in his arms the blue nerd who had been hanging like so much wet laundry suddenly tensed up and the lanky body became hard like a steel wire when muscles tensed up. Red eyes burned and the tail whipped.

"Freak?" Kurt hissed through sharp teeth.

"Aw man, now you made him angry," Pietro took a cautionary step in behind Scott and huddled a little.

There was a poof of brimstone smoke, then another and another, so quickly in succession that they were impossible to follow.

When Kurt finally appeared, brushing dust from his brand new jacket and straightening his hair, the poor robber was left in a disgusting pile in an alley, busy soiling himself from too much bamfing in too short time. The knife had disappeared somewhere in the night.

"Freak!" He muttered upset as his friends started leading him away. "Take that, you swine!"

"That was awesome, Kurt." Pietro threw an arm over his shoulder as they walked away, still a bit unsteady. "We need to get you drunk more often. What's your plans for next weekend?"

Kurt smiled and handed himself a bottle of beer he'd held onto with his tail throughout the incident.

"Vell, I suppose I have to be around to protect my friends from danger, ja?"

"Great! You're a cool guy, Kurt. You could really learn from this guy, Summers."

Scott sighed and continued to coax his two friends towards the Institute. He wondered if Kurt would feel as eager to another drinking bout the next day.


End file.
